Stop whining about your girlfriend: there will never be another Troy Brown.

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Troy Brown could teach your girlfriend a few things about versatility

From Hoodwinked:

Dear Coach,

I’ve been looking through my girlfriend’s trash like you told me to, and now I’m convinced that she’s not only cheating on me but also bisexual. You can’t believe the stuff I found in there. Now I need to know how to confront her with information I could only know if I’d been digging through her trash. I feel like you’re in this with me because you said I needed to read the signals she didn’t want me to see. What’s the next step?

From the Playbook:

You’re talking about bisexuality like it’s a bad thing. But a girlfriend who can play both sides of the field could be an asset in the long run — just think of Troy Brown. He could catch, he could tackle, he could block, he could return punts…he was the ultimate team player. Stop worrying about your girlfriend’s infidelities and start thinking about Troy Brown. That’s what I do whenever I’m not getting the results I want in all three phases of the game.

Meriweather calls for more head shots

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Todd Heap lost an ear on this play

From BMo@DaBears:

Hey Bill – 

Miss me yet? Who was that playing safety when you were in Buffalo last Sunday, Tim Fox?

All the best!

Brandon Meriweather

From the Playbook:

Now that you mention it, we probably could have used a few more flagrant fouls against the Bills last week. But think of it this way: I saved you at least $75,000 in penalty fees by sending you to a 1-2 team. 

Best of luck with your rapping career,

Bill

I’m not afraid.

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From CuriousJorge03:

Hey Coach,

Jusr read an article in a Bay Area newspaper that quotes Raiders owner Al Davis on the Randy Moss trade. He says, “That’s a mistake I made. I let it happen, The coach wanted to trade him. (Moss) scared him: all coaches are scared of him.” Made me curious to know — did you trade Moss because you were scared of him? And if so, what is the scariest thing about him? 

From the Playbook:

You can say a lot of things about me as a coach, and I’m sure you do. But one thing you’ll never say is that I’m scared of Randy Moss. Do I want him sleeping in my garage, like he has been lately? I’m not saying that. You can ask him about that — I’m sure he’d say the same thing. I’m not sure what Al was talking about there but if people are scared of Randy it might be because his arms are as long as his legs and he’s a really enthusiastic hugger.

Clock management

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From SalFromAbingdon:

Coach, What was really going on when you were charged that second time-out at the end of the Pats’ loss to the Bills? To me it looked like you got charged a time-out you didn’t ask for because you were screaming at the officials for a good 90 seconds.

From the Sauna:

You can thank the morons at Chevrolet for that misunderstanding, Sal. When I drove the Impala to Ralph Wilson Stadium that morning the dashboard clock said it was August 12, 1995. I was slipping the official a cocktail napkin that said “I resign as HC of the CleBro” when he informed me that I had 103 seconds to win the game that was currently in progress, instead of sixteen years and several job changes as I’d originally thought. It was frustrating: I kept trying to explain to the official that with the Unabomber at large, he’d be better off handing us the ball for safekeeping, but he wouldn’t see it my way, even when I offered him a ride in the Impala.

What is the Being of beings?

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Philosophers go through a lot of paper

From ProfessorGreg@Harvard.edu:

Coach: In the introduction to his influential Being and Time, Martin Heidegger wrote, “What is more enigmatic: that beings are, or that Being is? Or does even this reflection fail to bring us close to that enigma which has occurred with the Being of Beings?” The language of Heidegger — and hermeneutical philosophy in general — strikes me as very similar to the logic applied in your press conferences. Are you now or have you ever been a student of hermeneutics? If not, what is your philosophical inspiration for statements like “It is what it is”?

From the Playbook:

I thought Hermeneutics was the title of Herm Edwards’ autobiography. But from what I’ve heard about Heidegger, his press conferences would last a lot longer than mine. For him, it wouldn’t cut it just to say it is what it is: he’d say that it is what it is only if it is a being that is conscious of its Being. So if the It is Ed Reed or Tom Brady, it is what it is; if the It is Adalius Thomas or Tony Romo, it might not actually exist at all.    

Tell me something I don’t know

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Scott Pioli experiences success for the last time

From SPioli@KCChiefs.com:

Hey Bill – 

Just thought I’d drop you a quick email since our first meeting of the ‘BHB’ club (Boys that Hate Belichick) took place recently in Cleveland.

During the first hour Charlie C. kicked off the opening ceremonies with a bang (and some great stories about Linda!). Then Eric M spoke during the second hour on Spygate and everyone had a laugh about that first round pick that you lost. 

Unfortunately our founding father could not make it, but Arlen S. was able to dig up this video of you dressed as a pirate on roller skates. Boy you should have heard the laughter! I almost pissed my pants I was laughing so hard!

It will be hard to top this at next month’s meeting but hey, it is what it is.

Cordially, 

Scott P.

From the Playbook:

That’s quite a confederacy of losers you’ve got over there, Scott. I’m surprised you didn’t fly Matt Walsh out for the reunion. I guess he was busy in the bag room of the Honolulu Putt-Putt.  I’ve already seen the highlights of your secret meeting — you should have thought twice about holding it in the banquet hall of the Shaker Heights Holiday Inn. You of all people should know how easy it is to wire a camcorder to the ceiling fan in that dump. Didn’t think it could happen, but you’ve gotten even balder, by the way. As for Casserly, that toupee looks like he stole it from a weasel’s den. And now I know why they call Specter “Snarlin’ Arlen” — everyone knows there’s no free refills on blender drinks, but the guy kept screaming at the waiter for not topping up his daicquiri! He wouldn’t shut up about it — Mangini could hardly lisp a word in edgewise. Anyway, it was good to see you all, and I’m glad my pirate costume gave you something to smile about. It can’t be easy to look on the bright side with people calling you the worst team in football.

Can’t beat costumes and candy

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From TheRealRandyMoss81:

Coach,

What are we doing for Halloween this year? I booked the roller rink but I ain’t heard back from you yet about my costume idea. Just pick which one you want to be: Shaggy or Scooby. I got a deposit down already at the Big & Tall Store. Tom can be Fred, I got an ascot he can borrow. Vince say he’s going as Philip Rivers’ minivan. I’ma sew the Spongebob shirt up and use it as a treat bag.

From the Playbook:

Good call, Randy. I’ll let you be Scooby — animal costumes always get more candy. Right now I’m stuck in my car because I activated the child-lock somehow. According to the dashboard clock it’s 1998. If you’re still in the lot can you get over here with a Slim Jim? You’d think there’d be a button somewhere that says here’s how you open the damn door, but I guess that’s too much to ask from a Chevrolet Impala.

 

Go long and keep running

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From BigBenzGurl7:

Hey, Coach,  I’m the newlywed of a world famous quarterback from the steel mill area and you seem to have a lot of good advice about men/women relations.  How do I get him to take his helmet off during sex?  I mean, he was involved in a motorbike accident a few years back and wasn’t wearing one and got messed up real bad.  That and the other concussions have him worried about his brain but it is getting in the way of major foreplay both behind and in front of the line of scrimmage as it were.  Can you help me?

From the Playbook:

Saying “I do” to that guy — that’s probably a play you’d like to have back. Somewhere along the line, someone dropped the ball and there’s a lot of factors that go into it: parents need to parent better, teachers need to teach better, local newspapers need to report out-of-state news better. Forget about the helmet and invest in some protective gear of your own. Then wait until you’re sure all the wedding gifts have come in, pack them in a van, and move in with Tony Romo, preferably on October 29.

Bad Hair Month ahead for Buffalo fan

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From BFLOSteve:

Coach —

I have a bet with my NE pals that the Bills will stamped your team and finally end their 15 game losing streak to the Patriots.  If this does not happen I will have to shave I LOVE BRADY and I LOVE UGGS on my head…which is fine 50%…since I actually do like UGGS but not BRADY.  Hey  — it gets cold up here.  So I guess this isn’t really a question but more of a general comment…so you remember…when your team somehow loses a game they think they are going to easily win.

Ha.

Steve Earl

From the Playbook:

Hey Steve — I’ll be the first to admit that we have our hands full with Buffalo. They can throw the ball, they can run the ball, they can kick the ball down the field and carry it around in a purposeful way. Their quarterback went to Harvard, so they obviously know their way around the SATs. Chan Gailey has done a good job with that program. That said you need to be prepared for what’s going to happen if this doesn’t go your way. Shawne Merriman has shaved a lot of stupid stuff onto his skull, but even he doesn’t have the head room for I LOVE BRADY and I LOVE UGGS. So when you’re sitting there on the wrong side of a 38-7 game, watching my players do the Lights-Out Dance on your insignia, you’ll want to have a hooded sweatshirt handy. They’re great for storing snacks, hiding blemishes, warming up on the sidelines, you name it. When you get home, look into getting a deerstalker hat. It’s the closest thing to wearing an Ugg on your head.

Bald guys shouldn’t grow beards

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From Wooly Willy:

Coach, 

I’m thinking of growing a walrus mustache like Logan Mankins has. Do you think I should add muttonchop sideburns to the mix? I’m bald as a cueball but I have bushy eyebrows.

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From the Playbook:

Actually Mankins has no facial hair at all. He’s just got a sweaty face and likes to eat a lot of fresh roadkill. Sometimes it’s feathers, sometimes its fur, fleece — he comes from a small town where there weren’t a lot of restaurants, and I guess old habits die hard. But if I were a bald guy I’d go for a cleaner look like the a la Souverov. The walrus is good if you want to conceal the plays you’re calling without using a clipboard, but it hasn’t worked out too well for Brad Childress.