Better than a riding mower


From InBillWeTrust:

Dear Coach,

I finally have a big enough apartment where I can get a pet, and I’m wondering if you have any recommendations.  It needs to be independent, affectionate, non-shedding and low-maintenance.  My nieces come over sometimes so it needs to be good with kids. 

From the Playbook:

A little known fact about me is that I’ve had the same pet for 12 years. It’s a capybara that Parcells gave me after he won it in a poker game in Venezuela. Can’t say I was too happy to see it at the time. Parcells walked it into my office on a leash and said, “If you’re such a goddamn genius maybe you can teach this thing to crap in a toilet.” The two things you need to know about capybaras are that they’re the world’s largest rodent and their name translates to “master of the grasses.” The kids called it Bonkers even though there was nothing particularly crazy about it.  I thought it would gradually stop living after they left for school, but every time I get back from an away game or the Pro Bowl there’s Bonkers, working away on the lawn like he’s getting paid for it. He’s independent and low maintenance alright: I haven’t fed him once the whole time he’s been here. With cats and dogs you’ve got the feeding game, the fetching game and the grooming game to deal with.  With Bonkers it’s all about the chewing game. He’s affectionate enough if you dress like a shrub and he won’t bite your nieces unless they’re hiding in an actual shrub. When he sheds you just give him the once-over with a Shop-Vac. So do you want him or not? I’ll throw in some lawn fertilizer and a signed CD by the Flutie Brothers Band. 


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