From InTebowWeTrust15:
Hi Coach!
Just wondering what you think of the whole Tebowing craze that’s sweeping the nation. Is that the kind of subtle end zone celebration you encourage on the Patriots?
Praise the lord,
Brenda
From the Playbook:
Sure, Brenda. I’m all for anything that brings my opponents to their knees. Although from the tape I’ve seen on him, Tebow himself might be more dangerous when he’s praying than when he’s playing. Maybe he should try it on the field, see what happens.
From: Rob@GronkNation
Coach!
I went for the easy score and now it hurts to pee. What should I do? RGFrom the Playbook:
Jesus, Gronkowski. You probably deserve to get the clap on your bye week for that bonehead stunt. If you’re going to get goofy with a hooker, just leave the jersey at home, alright? Tom Brady doesn’t get photographed with his shirt off for any less than $100,000 a minute. What did you get, other than VD and a couple friends on Tweeter? Seriously, how many of your brothers do I have to hire to keep you in line?
From PRivers17:
Dear Coach,
I was sitting at home the other night, watching a football show and practicing marital chastity, when I heard Chris Collinsworth going on about your close friendship with Charles Barkley. Then you came on the show with Charles Barkley and talked about all the “awesome” times you’d had together in Cleveland and Arizona! Coach, it’s bad enough that you use actual curse words when cussing out your opponents. But fraternizing with a recent convict who frequents brothels while driving intoxicated — that’s a luge run to damnation! I’ve been praying for your soul with Tony Dungy, but cowpies on the griddle Coach, you sure don’t make it easy on us! I hope those “awesome times” you talked about didn’t involve harlots!
Worried,
Philip Rivers
From the Playbook:
Like I said on Inside the NFL Rivers, I respect winners. If those winners want to snort methamphetamines from the cleavage of lactating carnies while operating heavy machinery blindfolded, as Lawrence Taylor did on a regular basis, it’s not for me to pass judgment as long as it doesn’t impair their ability to win. Parcells once left a gutted moose on the hood of my Ford Escort after we lost to the Rams. Did I like it? No. Did it make me respect Parcells any less? Not as long as we were winning. So fuck you, Rivers. Let’s talk at the end of the year.
Who’s that guy with Ocho Uno?
From Looking4Ocho:
Dame named Johnson hired me to find a man who goes by the name Eighty-Five in Mexican, said you may have some answers.
— Sam Spade
From the Playbook:
Sorry Sam,
There was a guy with that name catching balls on our team back in August, but once the regular season started he disappeared. You might check around on Tweeter, though. I’ve heard there’s a lot of noise coming from there with that name on it.
From T-Bone in Tampa:
I hope you can settle a bet. My friend says that if a Harbaugh smacked you in the back you’d punch him in the face. I say, you’d have to pull Welker off him first. Help me out, Bill, there’s an 18 pack of Bud Light Lime riding on this!
From the Playbook:
It all comes down to the situation. If we beat the Ravens without any brain injuries to our starters, John Harbaugh can slap me on the ass for all I care. If the 49ers hand us our first loss of the season and Jim Harbaugh so much as breathes on me, I’ll have my assistant Klaus take him down with a taser and trample his prone body as we jog off the field.
From SouthEndSusan:
Coach,
Who is this Antonio Romo and how does he stack up against Tom Brady? I can’t get Brady for my fantasy team but Romo is available.
From the Playbook:
When Parcells found Romo, he was working as a lounge act on the Catskills club circuit. He was a crooner in the style of Mel Torme but he couldn’t carry a tune, so they called him The Velvet Smog. Parcells kept throwing lit cigars at the stage but the kid kept singing. Eventually Parcells chloroformed him, tossed him in the trunk of his Escalade and forgot about him until he got back to Dallas. Romo couldn’t carry a ball any better than he could sing a song, but Parcells thought it would be funny to put him in as Bledsoe’s replacement.
From Can’t Stop Talking Sox in Brockton:
Coach!
Alarm bells went off in my head when I saw this Patriots Today video of Aaron Hernandez eating chicken in the locker room! Once there’s chicken, can beer bongs, X-Boxes and John Lackey be far behind? I’ve already alerted Felger & Masserotti to the situation: they’re saying you’ve lost control of the team and the Patriots are headed for an epic collapse!
Worried,
Stan
From the Playbook:
Stan,
Now that you mention it, John Lackey has been hanging around Gillette on Fried Chicken Fridays. One time he got Woodhead in a headlock over a drumstick they were both reaching for. When Woody pointed out that Lackey could buy 30 players at his salary and still have $1.5 million left over for snacks, Lackey tossed him in a vat of mashed potatoes and told him to “go cry to his daddy,” pointing at me. We were all pretty confused about it at the time. I heard he stole a LeapPad from Brady’s older son, then made fun of the younger one for wearing diapers. He kept calling him “Pedroia.” Those jai alai players are wound pretty tight.
From Red White & Confused in Malden:
Dear Bill –
Been reading the papers about this Al-Alwaki business. Since when does America kill traitors?
Best regards, Robert E. Lee
From the Playbook:
I don’t know al-Awlaki from souvlaki, which is a Greek sport similar to jai alai. But when it comes to situational game-planning, what you want to do is find what they do best and take it away from them. Against the Cowboys this week that would be Jason Witten. Against Al Qaeda and other groups like that, that would be terrorists. Take away the terrorists, and what’s Al Qaeda going to beat you with? Those bombs don’t blow up all by themselves. The only difference between football and foreign diplomacy is that I’ll take Witten out of the game by double-covering him, while Obama took al Awlaki out with a drone missile.
From Phil’sSon@TTitans.nfl.com
Dear Uncle Coach –
Could you put in a good word for me with the Colts? You don’t need a spleen to play quarterback.Chris Simms
From the Playbook:
That’s where you’d be wrong, Chris. Look what happened to Drew Bledsoe after he got popped in the spleen. Four years of failure and he’s out of football, just like Eric Mangini. And Bledsoe had no problem with his other organs. You, on the other hand – – look, we’ve all driven stoned in the West Village, but getting caught? With your pregnant wife in the car? Seems like the spleen is the least of your worries. But I’ve already put a call in to Jim Caldwell, and if you can get there by Tuesday you’re third on the depth chart after Collins. You guys should have a lot to talk about: he’s been playing with a colostomy bag for the last five years.
Say hi to your dad for me,
Bill
From Don’t Touch that Dial:
Dear Coach,
I picked up my car from the shop and it was tuned to a Christian rock radio station. They fixed the car, so should I overlook it or take it somewhere else from now on?
Thanks for your input,
Bob
From the Playbook:
There’s only one question you need to ask yourself at the end of the day, Bob: did they do their job? Lawrence Taylor routinely smoked crack on the sidelines, and he once played a whole game handcuffed to a hooker. But you can look at the stats: the better the crack, the better the sacks. He broke Terry Bradshaw’s ribs by throwing that hooker like a javelin. The man did his job and when a man does his job, he’s earned his paycheck. So pay your mechanic, even if he’s listening to Debbie Gibson. But if you find an undrafted mechanic who can do the same job for the league minimum, feel free to make the swap and wish your current mechanic the best of luck in his new career with the Oakland Raiders.
