I like Macaques.

From Whistleblower1@comcast.net:

I recently saw a picture of the FBI’s third Most Wanted Terrorist and I couldn’t help but notice that the guy is a dead ringer for your tight end, Aaron Hernandez. This terrorist is a militant vegan wanted for blowing up businesses that are associated with animal testing. Is it possible that these activities could have slipped through the cracks on the scouting report? I mean, look at these pictures and tell me they’re not the same guy:

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Wanted terrorist Daniel Andreas San Diego

I

Match-up problem Aaron Hernandez

Signed,

A Concerned Citizen

From the Playbook:

Can’t a guy shave his head, be Hispanic and love animals without getting Homeland Security involved? As long as Hernandez is averaging 10 catches a game his politics are none of my business. And there are a lot worse habits than keeping rescued Macaques in your locker. Just ask Julian Edelman. 

Where there’s smoke, there’s the Tuna.

Images

Evil never retires.

From Armageddon Worried:

Dear Coach,

As the moral leader of the Patriots, how does it feel to have your players reaching up the skirts of unsuspecting women in order to grope their private parts? Clearly you’ve dropped the ball in the father figure department. And, according to Mike Reiss at ESPN, you’ve also “lost your fastball” on defense. What do you have to say for yourself? 

Prayerfully,

Tony Dungy

From the Playbook:

I understand your concern but you’re pointing the finger at the wrong guy.  Who do you think introduced Gronkowski to that hooker and Twittered their photograph all over the place? The same guy that brought Edelman to that club dressed as the cop from the Village People and spiked his Coors Lite with mescaline. The same guy who hazed rookies on those mid-’80s Giants teams by dropping them off in the Bed-Stuy projects in full pads and telling them to “clean up the trash.” How do you thing Lawrence Taylor got that crack addiction in the first place? It was Parcells, you moron. He’s everywhere.

We could use you on defense.

Topiary
From MinivanSam:
Hey Coach –

I just had my review with my boss and it went pretty well. He referred to you several times in his write up of my performance (in a good way). So you must be doing something right.

I just want to say thanks for helping my family so that we don’t have to eat mac & cheese 7 nights a week (well unless they really want to).

A working man.

From the Playbook:

Glad to be of service, Sam. You’ve done a good job for me this year in all three phases of the lawncare game: you can mow it, you can rake it and you can shovel it. You’ve even made some plays in the sodding game. But that’s not to say that you’re perfect and we should get started on your bust as Employee of the Year. That herbaceous border was a terrible call and I never asked for a topiary of the Lombardi Trophy. You know it and I know it: you’re obviously not going to win too many contracts if you keep landscaping like that. But overall you’ve been an asset to the lawn and I might have mentioned that to your boss in passing. If he decided to give you a raise, it is what it is: you probably deserve it.