Resolutions are for losers.

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Bonkers loves playing dead in the driveway.


Happy New Year Coach.

Any interesting New Year’s Resolutions for 2012?

From the Playbook:

Nothing that would really jump out at you. I’d like to exercise a little more, improve my golf game. Got to take Bonkers, my capybara to the vet.  He’s been sleeping for a long time in the same position and I can’t tell if he’s dead or just hibernating. On a personal note, I should probably ask Randy Moss to stop living in my garage. But overall I’m not much for New Year’s resolutions. I take it year to year, and what I did last year has no effect on the year I’m going to have next year. But Happy New Year anyway, and thanks for writing in.

Scaling back on the decorations this year.

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Caroling around the Gronk is a Foxboro tradition.

From Duane on the Cape:

Hi Coach!

I’m your #1 fan and a big Christmas guy so I’m wondering if you have any seasonal habits or traditions you can share with Patriots Nation? I noticed you’ve been slacking on the advice column lately and I hope that’s because you’ve been kicking back with the family, having an awesome holiday!



From the Playbook:

Christmas is a great holiday. It’s a lot like Halloween, but it’s colder and the sacks are filled with presents instead of candy. You’ve got the candy canes, the indoor tree, the blinking lights and those socks my assistant nails to the mantel while I’m watching game film of every team we could potentially face in the playoffs. Now that the kids are grown I’ve scaled back on the decorations. Bunch of wreaths and those icicle lights, a couple inflatable Santas. Once we had a creche out front and Parcells stole our Jesus. You don’t want to know what he left in there instead. That’s one Christmas I’d rather forget. But a great holiday, thanks for reminding me. I’ll enjoy it for awhile and move on to Buffalo.

Tebow you don’t.



That’s afterliving.

Dear Bill,

 Regarding your victory over Tebow Time:

Thank you, Bill.  Just…thank you.



From the Playbook:

I’m reading this with a heavy heart knowing how dead you were when you wrote it, Chris. Glad I could bring a smile to your face — albeit post-mortem — by proving that Jesus is agnostic when it comes to football. Thanks again and say hi to my dad if there turns out to be anything after the fourth quarter.



No one puts Brady in a corner.


You don’t step on Superman’s Uggs.


Saw the game Sunday, and I thought I’d send an internets mail to let you know I’m still in the business of punching offensive coordinators who get out of line. Call me up on my walkin around phone if you need me.


PS I’m the guy who yelled to Rex that you’re a damn sight better than he is.

From the Playbook:

That means a lot coming from you, Buddy, Gilbride had it coming for that moronic play call you clocked him for. If you’d swung a little harder maybe the whole league wouldn’t be running the Chuck & Duck offense right now. Anyway, Bill O’Brien was right to call Tom on that interception but if you’ve ever seen how Brian Hoyer plays you’ll understand why I had to step in when I did.

Jah Redskins a failure, Snyder whines.


Rastafarians can perform at a high level, but they eventually become uncoachable.

From The Other D. Snyder:

Dear Coach,

I thought bringing in a hardass like Shanahan would make the Redskins more of a model organization like the Patriots, but somehow we ended up with a squad full of potheads and malcontents. What gives? I spend and spend and I still end up sucking Kraft’s exhaust.

Sick of it,


From the Playbook:

I wouldn’t blame Mike on this one. Rastafarianism is a big problem in the league. It’s hard to detect in a scouting interview — these guys don’t always wear rainbow-colored hats and listen to Bob Marley. If they bring their own snacks to the meeting, they’re either diabetic or Rastafarian. A good trick is to ask them about something you said 5 minutes ago. If they can’t remember it, or they remember it completely wrong, they’re either Rastafarian or Vince Young. Rastafarians can be great locker room leaders, but when it comes to the field they’re playing from a different playbook. And there are only so many times you can get Tedy Bruschi to submit urine samples for you. Just ask Randy Moss.

Hey Hey Hey.


It is what it is.

From the desk of Mike Shanahan:

Bill.  Thought you should know that Haynesworth was here last weekend, shopping your playbook to anyone who’d listen. It hardly seems possible, but he looked even fatter and less motivated than he was when he sat on our bench for $35.6 million. Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. Let’s grab a steak after the game.


From the Playbook:

Appreciate the tip, Mike. As I see it, the only part of our operation Haynesworth is qualified to spread rumors about is the cafeteria. So unless he tells you we’re running the Wildcat with a ham hock and some mashed potatoes, you can be pretty sure he’s at least 85% wrong. But on to the steak — Bobby Van’s?


9-9-9 probably not the best choice.


Leave the exotic schemes to Rex Ryan.

Hey Coach –

My schedule just opened up so I’m heading to DC this weekend to watch your squad beat up on those ‘skins this weekend. Want me to bring anything to the game for you?

All the best!

Herman Cain

From the Playbook:

Thanks for the offer. You had a pretty good run there. Should have gone with a 2-gap 3-4 instead of the 9-9-9. Never heard of the 9-9-9, to be honest. Must be a West Coast thing. Anyway I’m an Obama man myself. But if you show up at the game with a chimichanga, I’ll probably eat it.

No spleen, no service.


A chip off the old blockhead.

Uncle Coach –

Caleb Haney?  Tyler Palko?  AJ Feeley?  Sage Rosenfels?  I took a team to the playoffs.  I left my spleen on the grass of Tampa stadium.  Goddamnit, I want a workout!


From the Playbook:

For Phil’s sake I wish I could help you, kid. But even Donovan McNabb has a working spleen, which makes him one organ closer than you are to getting a starting job as an NFL quarterback. Happy Holidays and good luck,

Uncle B

Records are meaningless.


Like the Greeks, the Colts could win at any moment.

From NeuroTrader in the bar:
I’m trying to evaluate the relative merits of United States sovereign debt and Greek sovereign debt. This stunning (in both attractiveness and stupidity) blonde keeps launching into soliloquies on the subject, contending that I can’t evaluate US debt against Greek debt because Greek debt is so horrible. Do you have any thoughts?

From the Playbook:

It is what it is. Debt is debt. The Greeks owe a lot of people a lot of cash & so do we. The difference is that we pay our debts by selling them to China, and Greece pays theirs with goats. But just because the Greeks haven’t won a title since the Trojan War doesn’t mean they couldn’t beat us on any given Sunday. They’ve got the feta cheese, the olive oil, the olive trees, the olives themselves… Don’t count Greece out just because of their record.

Trade down for more value in the dating game.


From Single in Leominster:

Dear Coach,

What’s a good strategy for picking dates on and other online dating sites? I’ve been burned a few times and I could use some championship-caliber advice.



From the Playbook:

You go on these sites, and you see a few girls who look like supermodels. They’ve got Ivy League degrees and great jobs, they love to cook and give backrubs, they clock 4:25 in the 40 — you name it. Everybody wants to date these people. If someone like that agrees to go out with you, you need to show up in a chauffeured limo with a jacuzzi full of champagne on the roof, just for starters. That’s why the best move is to trade down. You can get two — maybe three — promising unknowns for the price of one inflated trophy date. Just because everyone overlooked these girls in college doesn’t mean they can’t become contributors in your dating rotation. Take it from me — you don’t want tio blow a first-round pick on eye candy when you could be trading down for a pair of solid team players.