It’s all about the accessories.

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Suits are for losers. Rings are for winners.


What are you going to wear at the Super Bowl?  You wore a red cut-off hoodie for the last Super Bowl, looked like crap,  and got beat by the Giants…but you still look like crap in the gray one and will probably still loose to the G-Men, so you might as well demonstrate some sartorial splendor while you’re getting whipped. Doesn’t Kraft pay you enough money to be able to buy a nice outfit…perhaps a fedora like Tom Landry, with a handsome overcoat like Vince Lombardi…or some Muggs like your pretty-boy QB…how does Linda let you out of the house to be in front of 2 billion people looking like a horse’s ass?  Stop by the store and I will show you how to dress like a man.

Joseph Abboud

From the Playbook:

That’ll be a game-time decision, and it’s not one I plan to share with the official designer of the NFL Coaches’ Club. Since I’m the only coach not in that club, I guess that means you’re responsible for Rex Ryan’s sweater vests and Andy Reid’s Hawaiian shirts. I think it’s a little too early to start working on their busts for Best Dressed Coach. So I’ll leave the sartorial splendor to those guys and focus on the accessories, like a sixth Super Bowl ring. Besides, even if I show up in a naugahyde Snuggi® next Sunday I’ll be looking better than the cryogenically preserved specimen on the other sideline.

Bridget 2; Brazil 0.

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My record stands for itself.


Hi Coach!  I know you’re probably deep into the All 22 footage trying to figure out how to stop a guy from catching a football against the side of his head, so I thought I’d write to recommend you take a break and download the movie “Serendipity”.  It’s about a really cool, together, beautiful all American woman who is engaged to a man-child who dumps her to run off with a flaky foreigner.  What kind of asshole does that?  TTFN, Bridget M.

From the Playbook:

Haven’t seen you since we got our rings for Super Bowl XXXIX. Come to think of it, we won two Super Bowls when you and Tom were dating and lost the one we played right after you broke up. That was before Tom started wearing Uggs and buying zip codes in Los Angeles. His new wife doesn’t speak much English and when she comes to games she’s always screaming at Tom to “kick it in the net.” She calls Deion Branch “Ronaldinho.” We all miss having you around.

Winners don’t wear wigs.



Marv Alpert is a catch, compared to Charlie Casserly.

From the desk of Charles Casserly

What’s Linda doing these next two weeks while you are tied up with football? Have her send me an email if she’s bored. My email address is

Your pal,


From the Playbook:
I’ll be sure to let Linda know, Casserly, but I have a feeling that if she’s going to kill time with an eyesore in a bad wig who’s 100% wrong about everything, she’ll choose someone a little classier, like Marv Alpert.
Thanks for the offer,

There will be blood.

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Hopefully we can hold him to Aggravated Assault.

From GronkFan in Gloucester:

Hey Coach,

Most of the media coverage has been about Suggs and Reed, but I still think Ray Lewis will be the difference maker in this game. Could you talk a little bit about the skills Lewis brings to the table and how you’re planning on limiting his impact tomorrow?

From the Playbook:

Sure. I have a lot of respect for Ray Lewis. He’s a smart, instinctive player and he performs at a high level. He’s a proven threat in the killing game — only O.J. Simpson is in his class when it comes to stabbing people without getting incarcerated. We’re going to have our hands full making sure Lewis doesn’t ice anyone today. It’s his last chance to get in sniffing distance of another Super Bowl and he’s going to bring all his weapons. Shivs, pocketknives, handguns — we’ve had a week of preparation to get ready for all of it. We’ll go no-huddle, two tight-end to protect Tom from strangulation, suffocation, bricks, you name it. We’ve installed extra metal detectors in the guest locker room and equipped the Minutemen with real bullets and the authority to make a citizens’ arrest. Matt Light will be carrying mace and Tom will be wearing Kevlar. Even with all that, there’s always a chance that old Crazy Eyes will find a way to commit manslaughter without facing hard time. So we have to be prepared to win with the players we have, even if they have to step over the bloody corpses of the starters to do it.

Bill & Ed’s Excellent Adventure.

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Ed Reed: A perfect 10.


Hey Coach,

If you love Ed Reed so much, why don’t you marry him? For a man of few words, you sure can’t stop talking about the safety of a conference rival. Not exactly motivational for the safeties on your own team. By the way, my name isn’t Brandon Meriweather. Not even close.

Your starting safety,

Patrick Chung

Simmer down, Ihedigbo! You should take a page out of Ed Reed’s playbook and shorten your name to two syllables. It’s amazing how much Ed Reed can get done with 1 vowel and 2 consonants. Ed Reed. What a name. What a player. What was your question again?

More Christian trash-talk from Philip Rivers

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Even Tebow knows better than to reenact the Nativity on offense.

From PRivers17:

I never thought I’d hear myself saying this, but I hope you beat that fartface turd-burglar Tebow in the playoffs. I’ve been giving shout-outs to Jesus in my post-game conferences for years and no one’s calling ME “The San-Diego Saviour.” No one’s offering me lucrative endorsement deals and putting me on the cover of Sports Illustrated either. I went on YouTube talking about chastity while Tebow was still pooping up his Pampers and people called me a homo and a eunuch. Tebow does it and he gets elected America’s Favorite Pro Athlete! As for the Tebowing thing, ever since my NC State days I’ve been acting out the Passion of Christ at the line of scrimmage, but did anybody call it “Riversing” and start an internationally popular website about it? Not to my knowledge! So I hope you give that panties-sniffing doodyhead a wedgie for all the world to see this Saturday, even though I’m pretty sure you’re in league with Satan.

In your corner,


From the Playbook:

Your support means a lot to me, Rivers. It must be tough sitting on your couch this time of year, practicing marital chastity and thinking about another year in Norv Turner’s system. If Jesus loves you, he sure has a funny way of showing it. Anyway thanks for the note and all the best to the wife and six kids. 

Tebow’s already beaten us in the praying game.

From Prepared in Peabody:

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The scripture game? We’ll give him that too.


Maybe this is superstitious of me, but in light of the eerie fact that Tebow’s numbers vs. the Steelers evoked his favorite Biblical passage (316 yards: John 3:16), I’m wondering whether we should fight fire with fire and start praying hysterically on the sidelines after every play. Seems like at the very least Brady needs to be more overtly religious in the huddle — maybe he should say grace or burn offerings or something. I know we beat Denver once but it won’t be so easy now that Tebow is using the Bible as his playbook.



From the Playbook:

Thanks for the tip, Franz, but I don’t see the upside of starting a Holy War with Tebow. It is what it is: he’s got the edge on us in the praying game and that’s not going to change between now and gametime. So our best shot is to beat him in other aspects of the game — ones that actually involve football. That’s why I’ve spent the last week focusing on technique and execution instead of scripture and the Ten Commandments — on the off chance that Christianity has fuck-all to do with winning football games.

Snax for backs: It’s a game-time decision.

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Regrettably, “Beast Mode” doesn’t come in a bag.

From Framingham Phil:

Hey Coach,

I’ve noticed our running game has been pretty inconsistent through this season and was wondering if part of the problem could be low blood sugar. Have you ever watched game film of the Seahawks and seen the kind of production they get out of Marshawn Lynch when they reward him with Skittles? We could use a little Beast Mode in the playoffs and maybe candy would do the trick.

From the Playbook:

Our Nutrition Coach is way ahead of you, Phil.  We installed a Skittles dispenser on the sideline the week after Lynch’s 67-yard TD in last year’s playoffs. Unfortunately none of our backs has a sweet tooth so we’ve had to provide situational snacks depending on the coverages we’re facing and the schemes we’re running at any given point. If it’s a draw for Kevin Faulk we go with Laffy Taffy. If Ridley runs in a reverse we have the mascot serve him a rare steak. Danny Woodhead is 60% more likely to break the plane if you have a ripe Brie waiting for him in the end zone. And BenJarvus Green-Ellis has a stipulation in his contract that says he won’t take the field unless someone offers him a Cobb Salad after every score. It’s been a learning process, but hopefully we’re hitting our stride in time for the post-season. As the Seahawks found out last year, it takes more than one Beast to get to the second round of the playoffs.

Bend but don’t break.


Dear Coach,

People in my school think I’m a slut because I do lots of stuff with lots of guys but the truth is I’m still a virgin. Sometimes I think that I might as well just go all the way with some random guy and get it over with, since everyone thinks I’m easy anyway. I’m a hardcore Pats fan and my dad says you’rr a genius so tell me what to do and I’ll listen. 

From the Playbook:

At the end of the day the only stat that matters is points allowed. And it sounds to me like you’ve allowed plenty of yardage but kept the offense out of the end zone. Abstinence is for morons like Philip Rivers; I’ve been to the Super Bowl with defenses that would make Kim Kardashian look like an Amish person. So firm up the red zone defense and dont worry about the hand jobs, the blow jobs, the frontal nudity and the bondage. Until you lose your virginity, you’re still a winner in my book.