From MizUnderstood@hotmail.com:

Dear Coach,

People in my school think I’m a slut because I do lots of stuff with lots of guys but the truth is I’m still a virgin. Sometimes I think that I might as well just go all the way with some random guy and get it over with, since everyone thinks I’m easy anyway. I’m a hardcore Pats fan and my dad says you’rr a genius so tell me what to do and I’ll listen. 

From the Playbook:

At the end of the day the only stat that matters is points allowed. And it sounds to me like you’ve allowed plenty of yardage but kept the offense out of the end zone. Abstinence is for morons like Philip Rivers; I’ve been to the Super Bowl with defenses that would make Kim Kardashian look like an Amish person. So firm up the red zone defense and dont worry about the hand jobs, the blow jobs, the frontal nudity and the bondage. Until you lose your virginity, you’re still a winner in my book.