Candy and costumes, how can you beat that?

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You could go with that, or you could go with this.

Name: Josh

Hey Coach –

My son wants to dress up as Ted Wells for Halloween. Should I let him? He’s got a briefcase and a pressure gauge and keeps getting everything wrong on purpose.

From In Bill You Trust:

You’ll never get any candy that way. Give him a robe and send him out as Judge Berman. You’ll get double the candy and free coffee for life.

You were the one that brought up whirlpools.

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They didn’t even let me keep that jacket.

Name: Frenchy Johnson

Comment: Bill! You old queen, you! Nobody fills a bustier like “Bouncin’ Bill” … I get so upset when I see you in those tired old hoodies week in and week out. What would I have to promise to get you to show the world your more flamboyant side? And when are you going to introduce me to that man-boy, Mr. Gronk? I bet that you two spend a lot of time in the whirlpool together 😉

From In Bill You Trust

Nice try, Bon Jovi. If you keep needling me about my modeling career, I’ll have to start mentioning your stint with the Village People.

I wonder what they’re charging for day-old DeflateCake.

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Interestingly, there’s no NFL ordinance against chloroform on the sidelines.


Hey Bill,
I know the fanbase is disappointed.  They wanted us to hang 50 on the Colts.  But they’ll feel better when it gets out that we pulled off that dumb fake punt play by hacking into Pagano’s headset.  Did you see those shots of him on the sideline?  He had NO IDEA what was going on!  #PinkStripes, brother! – Ernie

From In Bill You Trust

I thought I told you to stay home and get groceries. Now we’ve got nothing and the vending machines at Gillette are all out of things with salt on them

Supreme Greens may not cure cancer, but it won’t make you stupid either.

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Organ harvesting is a problem most fall guys won’t help you with.

Name: Chris

Uncle Coach – Look, don’t say anything to my Dad cause I don’t want the lecture—stay outta Chinatown when you’re doping blah blah blah—but I was out in Chinatown last night getting high and next thing ya know I wake up this morning in a bathtub filled with ice.  And my kidney is gone!  You think Guerrero is behind this?  Chris

From In Bill You Trust:

Good to hear from you Chris. Sorry for your loss, but I’m not sure I follow your logic on this. If you woke up next to a supermodel with 4 Super Bowl rings on your hand, you’d have every reason to point the finger at Guerrero. But let’s face it: this isn’t the first run of bad luck you’ve had in Boston and it’s not even the first time you’ve lost an organ under forgettable circumstances. So do me a favor and take me off your emergency contacts list if you’re going to get wasted in Chinatown.

Good luck in the CFL.

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You’d think he’d keep a can opener in that kilt of his.

Name: Eric Mangini

Dear Bill, You have to help me get out of here.  I’m in a meeting with Tomsula yesterday, and he can’t open a pickle jar, so he loosens the cap by bashing it against his head.  How many times do I have to apologize?  Eric

From In Bill You Trust

That reminds me of the time Parcells lit a weasel on fire and set it loose in the coaches’ racquetball court at Giants Stadium. This was after my defensive scheme was credited for winning the Giants’ 1986 NFC championship game. I thought we were meeting to play, but instead he opened the door and yelled.”Hey genius! Let’s see you come up with a game plan for this!” Next thing I know there’s a burning weasel in the room and Parcells is outside laughing in the window. It must have taken me about 40, 45 minutes to put the thing out, tame it, and talk it into chewing a hole in the wall to get us out of there. By then Parcells was long gone and next time I saw him it was business as usual on the sidelines. I’ve still got the burns and the bite marks, but I’d hate to think where I’d be if I’d whined about it. Does that answer your question?

That’s not what we’re looking for.

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You’re much better off with the chicken fries.

Name: J Smith
Hi Bill!  Thanks so much for responding to my earlier question about chicken and waffles.  Your PB&J recipe might just save my marriage!  LOL!  Hey, the other day I was in a motel in Pennsylvania Dutch Country watching NFL Network when a commercial came on for something called Chicken Fries.  Imagine that, right after we were talking about chicken!  Weird, right?  So, what do you suppose those are made from, chicken or potatoes or both?  Later!

From In Bill You Trust:

What is it with you and Pennsylvania Dutch Country? I’m no Dr. Phil, but it seems like you steering clear of the Lancaster TraveLodge might do more for your marriage than my PB& J. Magic Fingers, Steve Mariucci, crop circles, neck beards: that’s not what she’s looking for. But you’re on the right track with the chicken fries. I’ve seen the film on that and it doesn’t get much better than a bunch of chicken parts shaped like french fries. It’s an appetizer, it’s a breakfast, it’s a snack, it’s a beverage if you chew it enough. It’s the Troy Brown of fast foods. So stay away from the Amish and focus on the chicken fries, all right J? Your wife will thank me for it.

Concussion crisis spreads to management.

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Speed-dial Dr. Bennet Omalu

Name: Jerry J

Hi Bill – Where we are, and where he is, is where I am, and if you’re positive like where we are, you know Elizabeth Taylor kissed her seven husbands married eight times with beautiful blue eyes, and her bedside manner was maybe you guys saw different than when it was an attorney or a sales person of the opposite sex, and oh my the guns blazing that’s not literal and this isn’t where we are with U.S. Americans and many don’t have maps, and I believe our education, like such, in South Africa and Iraq, will be able to build up our future.  Your pal, Jerry

From In Bill You Trust: 

Thanks for weighing in, Jerry. We’ll have our hands full this week, that’s for sure. Can’t wait to get a look at that big TV of yours.

Call off The Goon.

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One of these people is going to jail.

Name: Robbie

Help me out Coach –

I’m known for my party buses and party cruises but now I can’t shake the label! I go to Five Guys at Patriot Place and they give me a Party Burger (with onions). I take the Escalade to the car wash and they give me the Party Wash Special (with undercoating). How can I make the party stop for just a little while?

From In Bill You Trust:

We’ve been over this, Rob. There’s nothing wrong with having fun in the off-season as long as you avoid social diseases and stick to your training regimen. But during the season it sends the wrong message to have your dad and brothers living in a motorized strip club parked in your driveway. Don’t get me wrong, I liked having Goon around at OTAs, but when you’ve got him grilling kielbasa in the end zone during mini-camp it sets the wrong tone for the rookies. In the end it’s not about the party burgers and the fruit spiking and the car washes and the booze cruises. Lawrence Taylor could have done everything you did last summer on a Friday night — while freebasing with an entourage of hookers — and still earn a slot as a first-team All-Pro on Saturday. It’s about keeping off the MyFace, the SpaceBook, the SnapFace and the Twindle, and finding a fall guy whose last name isn’t also Gronkowski.

Toppings for hot dogs: it’s a game time decision.

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O’Brien must have forgotten all the recipes I gave him.

Name: Vince Wilfork

Coach: Is mustard or ketchup the proper condiment for a hot dog?

From In Bill You Trust:

That’s a really good question, but I think it would entail probably a pretty lengthy answer. There are so many things that go into the preparation and consumption of a decent hot dog. First you’ve got the geographical aspect: are you in the United States or in some foreign country where you might be better off ordering a soup or a stew or something? And if you’re in the states, is it Detroit, with the chili and the cheese, or is it Atlanta with the crunchy slaw? In Dallas they fry the dogs in some kind of corn batter and lose the bun: you’ve got to be prepared for all of that.  In Arrowhead Stadium the dogs come with a bunch of sauerkraut and Thousand Island dressing. Ketchup and mustard won’t help you in that situation. Chicago? They toss a whole salad on there. One time on a scouting trip with Rick Forzano we stopped in Milwaukee for lunch and the hot dogs came on a hard roll with butter and some sweet pickles. Never seen one again, but I’ve been practicing for it ever since.  I try to run through the options once a week, once every other week, somewhere in that vicinity. What are the dogs like down there in Houston? That was a trick question, I already know.