If the wagon’s rocking, you must come knocking

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That kid looks too young to be ripping any bonnets.

Name: J Smith

Email: Jsmith@sygenta.com


Comment: Hey Bill! Where you been man? People need your advice! Lol! You’re probably just tired of answering stupid questions all the time. Lol! Hey, I was looking through my wife’s bedroom the other day and come to find she’s reading one of these Pennsylvania Dutch romance novels—you know, the “bonnet rippers”? You don’t suppose she’s making hot pretzels with one of those Amish, do you?

From In Bill You Trust: 

My gut reaction here is that if your wife has her own room, your problems could run deeper than the Amish. But if I were you I’d start by checking around the property for hoof prints and wagon tracks, butter churns that weren’t there yesterday, that kind of thing. If nothing shows up, I’d look into growing a neck beard, shutting off the electricity, and commuting by mule for a couple weeks, see if it gets you back in that bedroom.

That’s not what you’re looking for

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Put some clothes on

Name: Hailey Clauson

Email: Hailey@IHeartHailey.org

Comment: Hello? Is this the site to reach Gronk? My friends say the number he gave me is fake, but it was tattooed right on his…well, never mind.

From In Bill You Trust:

That’s not a tattoo. Look, it’s anyone’s guess why Rob writes play calls on his johnson in Sharpie. The question you need to be asking yourself is: Do I want to spend the rest of my life traveling by Party Bus and living with a guy named Goon? Because that’s where you’re headed with this line of questioning.