Supreme Greens may not cure cancer, but it won’t make you stupid either.

Screen Shot 2015-10-18 at 12.56.22 AM

Organ harvesting is a problem most fall guys won’t help you with.

Name: Chris

Uncle Coach – Look, don’t say anything to my Dad cause I don’t want the lecture—stay outta Chinatown when you’re doping blah blah blah—but I was out in Chinatown last night getting high and next thing ya know I wake up this morning in a bathtub filled with ice.  And my kidney is gone!  You think Guerrero is behind this?  Chris

From In Bill You Trust:

Good to hear from you Chris. Sorry for your loss, but I’m not sure I follow your logic on this. If you woke up next to a supermodel with 4 Super Bowl rings on your hand, you’d have every reason to point the finger at Guerrero. But let’s face it: this isn’t the first run of bad luck you’ve had in Boston and it’s not even the first time you’ve lost an organ under forgettable circumstances. So do me a favor and take me off your emergency contacts list if you’re going to get wasted in Chinatown.

Good luck in the CFL.

Screen Shot 2015-10-17 at 11.33.29 PM

You’d think he’d keep a can opener in that kilt of his.

Name: Eric Mangini

Dear Bill, You have to help me get out of here.  I’m in a meeting with Tomsula yesterday, and he can’t open a pickle jar, so he loosens the cap by bashing it against his head.  How many times do I have to apologize?  Eric

From In Bill You Trust

That reminds me of the time Parcells lit a weasel on fire and set it loose in the coaches’ racquetball court at Giants Stadium. This was after my defensive scheme was credited for winning the Giants’ 1986 NFC championship game. I thought we were meeting to play, but instead he opened the door and yelled.”Hey genius! Let’s see you come up with a game plan for this!” Next thing I know there’s a burning weasel in the room and Parcells is outside laughing in the window. It must have taken me about 40, 45 minutes to put the thing out, tame it, and talk it into chewing a hole in the wall to get us out of there. By then Parcells was long gone and next time I saw him it was business as usual on the sidelines. I’ve still got the burns and the bite marks, but I’d hate to think where I’d be if I’d whined about it. Does that answer your question?

That’s not what we’re looking for.

Screen Shot 2015-10-15 at 9.47.28 AM

You’re much better off with the chicken fries.

Name: J Smith
Hi Bill!  Thanks so much for responding to my earlier question about chicken and waffles.  Your PB&J recipe might just save my marriage!  LOL!  Hey, the other day I was in a motel in Pennsylvania Dutch Country watching NFL Network when a commercial came on for something called Chicken Fries.  Imagine that, right after we were talking about chicken!  Weird, right?  So, what do you suppose those are made from, chicken or potatoes or both?  Later!

From In Bill You Trust:

What is it with you and Pennsylvania Dutch Country? I’m no Dr. Phil, but it seems like you steering clear of the Lancaster TraveLodge might do more for your marriage than my PB& J. Magic Fingers, Steve Mariucci, crop circles, neck beards: that’s not what she’s looking for. But you’re on the right track with the chicken fries. I’ve seen the film on that and it doesn’t get much better than a bunch of chicken parts shaped like french fries. It’s an appetizer, it’s a breakfast, it’s a snack, it’s a beverage if you chew it enough. It’s the Troy Brown of fast foods. So stay away from the Amish and focus on the chicken fries, all right J? Your wife will thank me for it.

Concussion crisis spreads to management.

Screen Shot 2015-10-10 at 1.21.59 AM

Speed-dial Dr. Bennet Omalu

Name: Jerry J

Hi Bill – Where we are, and where he is, is where I am, and if you’re positive like where we are, you know Elizabeth Taylor kissed her seven husbands married eight times with beautiful blue eyes, and her bedside manner was maybe you guys saw different than when it was an attorney or a sales person of the opposite sex, and oh my the guns blazing that’s not literal and this isn’t where we are with U.S. Americans and many don’t have maps, and I believe our education, like such, in South Africa and Iraq, will be able to build up our future.  Your pal, Jerry

From In Bill You Trust: 

Thanks for weighing in, Jerry. We’ll have our hands full this week, that’s for sure. Can’t wait to get a look at that big TV of yours.

Call off The Goon.

Screen Shot 2015-10-08 at 2.02.54 AM

One of these people is going to jail.

Name: Robbie

Help me out Coach –

I’m known for my party buses and party cruises but now I can’t shake the label! I go to Five Guys at Patriot Place and they give me a Party Burger (with onions). I take the Escalade to the car wash and they give me the Party Wash Special (with undercoating). How can I make the party stop for just a little while?

From In Bill You Trust:

We’ve been over this, Rob. There’s nothing wrong with having fun in the off-season as long as you avoid social diseases and stick to your training regimen. But during the season it sends the wrong message to have your dad and brothers living in a motorized strip club parked in your driveway. Don’t get me wrong, I liked having Goon around at OTAs, but when you’ve got him grilling kielbasa in the end zone during mini-camp it sets the wrong tone for the rookies. In the end it’s not about the party burgers and the fruit spiking and the car washes and the booze cruises. Lawrence Taylor could have done everything you did last summer on a Friday night — while freebasing with an entourage of hookers — and still earn a slot as a first-team All-Pro on Saturday. It’s about keeping off the MyFace, the SpaceBook, the SnapFace and the Twindle, and finding a fall guy whose last name isn’t also Gronkowski.

Toppings for hot dogs: it’s a game time decision.

Screen Shot 2015-10-07 at 1.35.17 AM

O’Brien must have forgotten all the recipes I gave him.

Name: Vince Wilfork

Coach: Is mustard or ketchup the proper condiment for a hot dog?

From In Bill You Trust:

That’s a really good question, but I think it would entail probably a pretty lengthy answer. There are so many things that go into the preparation and consumption of a decent hot dog. First you’ve got the geographical aspect: are you in the United States or in some foreign country where you might be better off ordering a soup or a stew or something? And if you’re in the states, is it Detroit, with the chili and the cheese, or is it Atlanta with the crunchy slaw? In Dallas they fry the dogs in some kind of corn batter and lose the bun: you’ve got to be prepared for all of that.  In Arrowhead Stadium the dogs come with a bunch of sauerkraut and Thousand Island dressing. Ketchup and mustard won’t help you in that situation. Chicago? They toss a whole salad on there. One time on a scouting trip with Rick Forzano we stopped in Milwaukee for lunch and the hot dogs came on a hard roll with butter and some sweet pickles. Never seen one again, but I’ve been practicing for it ever since.  I try to run through the options once a week, once every other week, somewhere in that vicinity. What are the dogs like down there in Houston? That was a trick question, I already know.

Last I checked Roy Scheider was dead.

Name: Deion

Hey Coach: This Billy Beane talk got me to thinking. If Brad Pitt played that loser in the Moneyball movie, who’s going to play you when your story finally makes it to the big screen?

From In Bill You Trust

Well I’m no Mona Lisa DeVito but if you need an extra in a funeral scene I’m your guy. But if Marisa Tomei is unavailable I guess we’ll have to go with this guy from Lone Survivor. We can’t get him off the field at big games and he keeps the offense in free burgers so I guess we’d better go with him.

Screen Shot 2015-10-06 at 4.27.47 PM

Let’s get him off the field and back to the acting game.

Don’t ever call me Billy.

Screen Shot 2015-10-06 at 2.32.05 AM

Of all the cheerleaders we’ve transitioned to the receiver role, Deion is one of the best.

Name: Deion

Hey Coach I heard about your website so I tried searching for it on Google with ‘In Billy we trust’ and all I got was a bunch of references to Billy Beane. What gives? What’s he ever won?

Glad I finally found your site so I can get some winning post football career advice!

From In Bill You Trust: 

Always good to hear from you Deion. You’re right about Billy Beane: He’s no Tony LaRussa and he hasn’t won anything — you know why? Because stats are for losers, especially when you call them sabermetrics and apply them to the Oakland A’s. Look, I’m not saying that the Oakland A’s aren’t a tough team. They can hit the ball, they can catch the ball, they can throw the ball and they really have no kicking game to speak of. But if you’re looking for a Bill to trust in the West Coast sports scene, you might be better off exhuming Bill Walsh. What was your question again?

Amnesia sneaks up on you.

Screen Shot 2015-10-04 at 4.14.27 AM

This I remember.

AUTHOR: Joe Fiasco

Hey Coach — why’d you suddenly resurface after taking 3 years off from the advice game? I got some clutch advice from Bills Playbook but when you stopped answering in 2012 I had to start getting my hints from Heloise.

From In Bill You Trust:

From what I’ve read about it, February 2012 is a month I’d rather forget. So it’s probably a good thing I got amnesia between then and February, 2015. When I woke up, I had a 6th Super Bowl ring and Parcells was on the line, saying, “Why don’t you pass the time by playing a little solitaire?”