I like Macaques.

From Whistleblower1@comcast.net:

I recently saw a picture of the FBI’s third Most Wanted Terrorist and I couldn’t help but notice that the guy is a dead ringer for your tight end, Aaron Hernandez. This terrorist is a militant vegan wanted for blowing up businesses that are associated with animal testing. Is it possible that these activities could have slipped through the cracks on the scouting report? I mean, look at these pictures and tell me they’re not the same guy:

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Wanted terrorist Daniel Andreas San Diego

I

Match-up problem Aaron Hernandez

Signed,

A Concerned Citizen

From the Playbook:

Can’t a guy shave his head, be Hispanic and love animals without getting Homeland Security involved? As long as Hernandez is averaging 10 catches a game his politics are none of my business. And there are a lot worse habits than keeping rescued Macaques in your locker. Just ask Julian Edelman. 

Never heard of him.

Bos_a_ochohern_288

Who’s that guy with Ocho Uno?

From Looking4Ocho:

Dame named Johnson hired me to find a man who goes by the name Eighty-Five in Mexican, said you may have some answers.

 — Sam Spade

From the Playbook:

Sorry Sam,

There was a guy with that name catching balls on our team back in August, but once the regular season started he disappeared. You might check around on Tweeter, though. I’ve heard there’s a lot of noise coming from there with that name on it.

Chicken is chicken, but the Patriots are not the Red Sox.

Aaron-hernandez-fried-chicken

From Can’t Stop Talking Sox in Brockton:

Coach!

Alarm bells went off in my head when I saw this Patriots Today video of Aaron Hernandez eating chicken in the locker room! Once there’s chicken, can beer bongs, X-Boxes and John Lackey be far behind? I’ve already alerted Felger & Masserotti to the situation: they’re saying you’ve lost control of the team and the Patriots are headed for an epic collapse! 

Worried,

Stan

From the Playbook:

Stan,

Now that you mention it, John Lackey has been hanging around Gillette on Fried Chicken Fridays. One time he got Woodhead in a headlock over a drumstick they were both reaching for. When Woody pointed out that Lackey could buy 30 players at his salary and still have $1.5 million left over for snacks, Lackey tossed him in a vat of mashed potatoes and told him to “go cry to his daddy,” pointing at me. We were all pretty confused about it at the time. I heard he stole a LeapPad from Brady’s older son, then made fun of the younger one for wearing diapers. He kept calling him “Pedroia.” Those jai alai players are wound pretty tight.