Scaling back on the decorations this year.

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Caroling around the Gronk is a Foxboro tradition.

From Duane on the Cape:

Hi Coach!

I’m your #1 fan and a big Christmas guy so I’m wondering if you have any seasonal habits or traditions you can share with Patriots Nation? I noticed you’ve been slacking on the advice column lately and I hope that’s because you’ve been kicking back with the family, having an awesome holiday!



From the Playbook:

Christmas is a great holiday. It’s a lot like Halloween, but it’s colder and the sacks are filled with presents instead of candy. You’ve got the candy canes, the indoor tree, the blinking lights and those socks my assistant nails to the mantel while I’m watching game film of every team we could potentially face in the playoffs. Now that the kids are grown I’ve scaled back on the decorations. Bunch of wreaths and those icicle lights, a couple inflatable Santas. Once we had a creche out front and Parcells stole our Jesus. You don’t want to know what he left in there instead. That’s one Christmas I’d rather forget. But a great holiday, thanks for reminding me. I’ll enjoy it for awhile and move on to Buffalo.

Where there’s smoke, there’s the Tuna.


Evil never retires.

From Armageddon Worried:

Dear Coach,

As the moral leader of the Patriots, how does it feel to have your players reaching up the skirts of unsuspecting women in order to grope their private parts? Clearly you’ve dropped the ball in the father figure department. And, according to Mike Reiss at ESPN, you’ve also “lost your fastball” on defense. What do you have to say for yourself? 


Tony Dungy

From the Playbook:

I understand your concern but you’re pointing the finger at the wrong guy.  Who do you think introduced Gronkowski to that hooker and Twittered their photograph all over the place? The same guy that brought Edelman to that club dressed as the cop from the Village People and spiked his Coors Lite with mescaline. The same guy who hazed rookies on those mid-’80s Giants teams by dropping them off in the Bed-Stuy projects in full pads and telling them to “clean up the trash.” How do you thing Lawrence Taylor got that crack addiction in the first place? It was Parcells, you moron. He’s everywhere.

Cry me a Rivers


From PRivers17:

Dear Coach,

I was sitting at home the other night, watching a football show and practicing marital chastity, when I heard Chris Collinsworth going on about your close friendship with Charles Barkley. Then you came on the show with Charles Barkley and talked about all the “awesome” times you’d had together in Cleveland and Arizona! Coach, it’s bad enough that you use actual curse words when cussing out your opponents. But fraternizing with a recent convict who frequents brothels while driving intoxicated — that’s a luge run to damnation! I’ve been praying for your soul with Tony Dungy, but cowpies on the griddle Coach, you sure don’t make it easy on us! I hope those “awesome times” you talked about didn’t involve harlots! 


Philip Rivers

From the Playbook:

Like I said on Inside the NFL Rivers, I respect winners. If those winners want to snort methamphetamines from the cleavage of lactating carnies while operating heavy machinery blindfolded, as Lawrence Taylor did on a regular basis, it’s not for me to pass judgment as long as it doesn’t impair their ability to win. Parcells once left a gutted moose on the hood of my Ford Escort after we lost to the Rams. Did I like it? No. Did it make me respect Parcells any less? Not as long as we were winning. So fuck you, Rivers. Let’s talk at the end of the year.

Chiefs of what?


From: SPioli@KCC

Hey Bill – 

It’s been a few years so we can now objectively evaluate your first draft class without me (2009):

2nd round – Darius Butler – Cut!
3rd round – Brandon Tate – Cut!
3rd round – Tyrone McKenzie – Cut!
4th round – Rich Ohrnberger – Out for the year already. Has only played in 5 games!

I’d go on but you then drafted a guy named Bussey and I’m all out of Gary Busey jokes.

Miss me yet?

Scott Pioli

From the Playbook:

How are things working out for you over there in Kansas City, Scott? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you, Romeo and Matt — probably about as much as you guys miss winning. On a personal note, are we going to see you and Dallas around here over the holidays or are you spending Christmas with the in-laws as usual? Must be hard to buy presents for Parcells, year after year. The one time I bought him a gift he threatened to roast my nuts over an open fire.

When a 1-1 defense faces off against a 3-4 offense, China is a bad idea


From MinivanSam

Hey Bill –

We recently got 2 kittens to go along with our Beagle and 4 kids. How do we get them all to get along? I can’t suspend/fine/cut them. Any other tools in your toolbelt that I could use when things get a little snippy? The two have us have already dropped back into a zone defense but we need some plays.


4th and inches

From the Playbook:

My first piece of advice is also the most critical, so listen carefully: if you are not currently a citizen of the People’s Republic of China, do not make plans to move there. I don’t care how attractive the relocation package seems: this move will not end well for you and three of your four children. I’m not sure what will happen to the pets: it’s either a one-pet policy or a one-of-each-kind-of-pet policy, but either way at least one of your pets will end up doing hard time with you and your three youngest children while the oldest fends for himself. I wouldn’t even travel there if I were you: Parcells lost a kid over there when he was on a drinking holiday with Pete Rozelle. It wasn’t even his kid, which leads me to my second point: don’t let your kids travel with Parcells, especially to China. I had a third point I was going to get to, but my chimichangas just arrived so it’ll have to wait until later.

Better than a riding mower


From InBillWeTrust:

Dear Coach,

I finally have a big enough apartment where I can get a pet, and I’m wondering if you have any recommendations.  It needs to be independent, affectionate, non-shedding and low-maintenance.  My nieces come over sometimes so it needs to be good with kids. 

From the Playbook:

A little known fact about me is that I’ve had the same pet for 12 years. It’s a capybara that Parcells gave me after he won it in a poker game in Venezuela. Can’t say I was too happy to see it at the time. Parcells walked it into my office on a leash and said, “If you’re such a goddamn genius maybe you can teach this thing to crap in a toilet.” The two things you need to know about capybaras are that they’re the world’s largest rodent and their name translates to “master of the grasses.” The kids called it Bonkers even though there was nothing particularly crazy about it.  I thought it would gradually stop living after they left for school, but every time I get back from an away game or the Pro Bowl there’s Bonkers, working away on the lawn like he’s getting paid for it. He’s independent and low maintenance alright: I haven’t fed him once the whole time he’s been here. With cats and dogs you’ve got the feeding game, the fetching game and the grooming game to deal with.  With Bonkers it’s all about the chewing game. He’s affectionate enough if you dress like a shrub and he won’t bite your nieces unless they’re hiding in an actual shrub. When he sheds you just give him the once-over with a Shop-Vac. So do you want him or not? I’ll throw in some lawn fertilizer and a signed CD by the Flutie Brothers Band.