Where there’s smoke, there’s the Tuna.

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Evil never retires.

From Armageddon Worried:

Dear Coach,

As the moral leader of the Patriots, how does it feel to have your players reaching up the skirts of unsuspecting women in order to grope their private parts? Clearly you’ve dropped the ball in the father figure department. And, according to Mike Reiss at ESPN, you’ve also “lost your fastball” on defense. What do you have to say for yourself? 

Prayerfully,

Tony Dungy

From the Playbook:

I understand your concern but you’re pointing the finger at the wrong guy.  Who do you think introduced Gronkowski to that hooker and Twittered their photograph all over the place? The same guy that brought Edelman to that club dressed as the cop from the Village People and spiked his Coors Lite with mescaline. The same guy who hazed rookies on those mid-’80s Giants teams by dropping them off in the Bed-Stuy projects in full pads and telling them to “clean up the trash.” How do you thing Lawrence Taylor got that crack addiction in the first place? It was Parcells, you moron. He’s everywhere.

Cry me a Rivers

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From PRivers17:

Dear Coach,

I was sitting at home the other night, watching a football show and practicing marital chastity, when I heard Chris Collinsworth going on about your close friendship with Charles Barkley. Then you came on the show with Charles Barkley and talked about all the “awesome” times you’d had together in Cleveland and Arizona! Coach, it’s bad enough that you use actual curse words when cussing out your opponents. But fraternizing with a recent convict who frequents brothels while driving intoxicated — that’s a luge run to damnation! I’ve been praying for your soul with Tony Dungy, but cowpies on the griddle Coach, you sure don’t make it easy on us! I hope those “awesome times” you talked about didn’t involve harlots! 

Worried,

Philip Rivers

From the Playbook:

Like I said on Inside the NFL Rivers, I respect winners. If those winners want to snort methamphetamines from the cleavage of lactating carnies while operating heavy machinery blindfolded, as Lawrence Taylor did on a regular basis, it’s not for me to pass judgment as long as it doesn’t impair their ability to win. Parcells once left a gutted moose on the hood of my Ford Escort after we lost to the Rams. Did I like it? No. Did it make me respect Parcells any less? Not as long as we were winning. So fuck you, Rivers. Let’s talk at the end of the year.