Give Rivers a call.

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From: Rob@GronkNation

Coach!

I went for the easy score and now it hurts to pee.  What should I do?  RG

From the Playbook:

Jesus, Gronkowski. You probably deserve to get the clap on your bye week for that bonehead stunt. If you’re going to get goofy with a hooker, just leave the jersey at home, alright? Tom Brady doesn’t get photographed with his shirt off for any less than $100,000 a minute. What did you get, other than VD and a couple friends on Tweeter? Seriously, how many of your brothers do I have to hire to keep you in line?


 

Cry me a Rivers

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From PRivers17:

Dear Coach,

I was sitting at home the other night, watching a football show and practicing marital chastity, when I heard Chris Collinsworth going on about your close friendship with Charles Barkley. Then you came on the show with Charles Barkley and talked about all the “awesome” times you’d had together in Cleveland and Arizona! Coach, it’s bad enough that you use actual curse words when cussing out your opponents. But fraternizing with a recent convict who frequents brothels while driving intoxicated — that’s a luge run to damnation! I’ve been praying for your soul with Tony Dungy, but cowpies on the griddle Coach, you sure don’t make it easy on us! I hope those “awesome times” you talked about didn’t involve harlots! 

Worried,

Philip Rivers

From the Playbook:

Like I said on Inside the NFL Rivers, I respect winners. If those winners want to snort methamphetamines from the cleavage of lactating carnies while operating heavy machinery blindfolded, as Lawrence Taylor did on a regular basis, it’s not for me to pass judgment as long as it doesn’t impair their ability to win. Parcells once left a gutted moose on the hood of my Ford Escort after we lost to the Rams. Did I like it? No. Did it make me respect Parcells any less? Not as long as we were winning. So fuck you, Rivers. Let’s talk at the end of the year.

Philip Rivers on Derrick Mason controversy: Keep it clean

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From PRivers17:

Coach, I can’t believe you used actual swear words when cussing out Derrick Mason in that sideline video I saw the other night. Like every other Christian man in America, Derrick is struggling with the need to preserve his chastity, and you added to his burden by telling him to go f*** himself. You said it three times — I counted. Now I’m a fired-up guy and I’ll throw down with anyone, but when I do I always keep it clean. Just ask Jay Cutler — when I get up in his grill I say stuff like, “Hey Poopypants, you made a doo-doo in your diaper and Jesus hates you for it!” or “Nice toss, Tinkle-Trousers! You were aiming for the potty but you missed the whole outhouse!” How hard would it have been for you to say, “Yee-haw, Mason, my wee-wee is bigger than your wee-wee and you’re a fanny bandit for Satan!” People would have respected you more for it and Mason would have spent the rest of the game worried about his johnson.

From the Playbook:

Fuck you, Rivers. Why don’t we talk after the game, alright?

 

Stats are for losers, the final score is for winners

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From: Pats fan in San Diego

Coach,

I’m a Newton guy living in San Diego. Someone gave my kid a Darren Sproles jersey last season, and I let him wear it when they played the 49ers on his birthday. A moment of weakness. That ended okay when Sproles left, but what should I do now? My wife has even started wearing powder blues! It’s bad, coach. 

I should have taken out Philip Rivers when I saw him at the gas station this summer but he had 4 kids in his minivan. 

From the Playbook:

First off let me say that I have a lot of respect for the San Diego Chargers. They’re well-owned, well-coached, and well-conditioned. They can stack the weights, lift the weights, bench-press the weights and restore the weights to their original position. They also stand out in the equipment game. They’re very well-stocked with jerseys, helmets, fleecewear — you name it, they’ve got it. It’s tough for us to compete in the equipment game. It’s no secret that powder blue is a flattering color. Looking good in navy blue is a little tougher: Vince Wilfork is actually a very fit guy, but in our uniform he could trick-or-treat as Philip Rivers’ minivan. The first thing I’d do is pour a liter of Stetson on your family’s Chargers gear. The stuff attracts sheep but repels people, so if your son has a small build you’ll want to steer clear of the petting zoos. If this doesn’t work, you need to ask your son how he defines success. Is it a trash-talking Christian who advocates chastity but has six kids? A guy who racks up big passer ratings but can’t get past the playoffs? Or is it a guy with three Super Bowl rings and two sons by two different supermodels? It’s a tough call. If he’s still on the fence, you could let him stay up to watch Bill Belichick: A Football Life, premiering tonight at 9PM EST on the NFL Network. Then you can compare it to all the documentaries out there about Norv Turner.