Resolutions are for losers.

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Bonkers loves playing dead in the driveway.

From TedO@aol.com:

Happy New Year Coach.

Any interesting New Year’s Resolutions for 2012?

From the Playbook:

Nothing that would really jump out at you. I’d like to exercise a little more, improve my golf game. Got to take Bonkers, my capybara to the vet. ┬áHe’s been sleeping for a long time in the same position and I can’t tell if he’s dead or just hibernating. On a personal note, I should probably ask Randy Moss to stop living in my garage. But overall I’m not much for New Year’s resolutions. I take it year to year, and what I did last year has no effect on the year I’m going to have next year. But Happy New Year anyway, and thanks for writing in.

Jah Redskins a failure, Snyder whines.

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Rastafarians can perform at a high level, but they eventually become uncoachable.

From The Other D. Snyder:

Dear Coach,

I thought bringing in a hardass like Shanahan would make the Redskins more of a model organization like the Patriots, but somehow we ended up with a squad full of potheads and malcontents. What gives? I spend and spend and I still end up sucking Kraft’s exhaust.

Sick of it,

Dan

From the Playbook:

I wouldn’t blame Mike on this one. Rastafarianism is a big problem in the league. It’s hard to detect in a scouting interview — these guys don’t always wear rainbow-colored hats and listen to Bob Marley. If they bring their own snacks to the meeting, they’re either diabetic or Rastafarian. A good trick is to ask them about something you said 5 minutes ago. If they can’t remember it, or they remember it completely wrong, they’re either Rastafarian or Vince Young. Rastafarians can be great locker room leaders, but when it comes to the field they’re playing from a different playbook. And there are only so many times you can get Tedy Bruschi to submit urine samples for you. Just ask Randy Moss.

Can’t beat costumes and candy

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From TheRealRandyMoss81:

Coach,

What are we doing for Halloween this year? I booked the roller rink but I ain’t heard back from you yet about my costume idea. Just pick which one you want to be: Shaggy or Scooby. I got a deposit down already at the Big & Tall Store. Tom can be Fred, I got an ascot he can borrow. Vince say he’s going as Philip Rivers’ minivan. I’ma sew the Spongebob shirt up and use it as a treat bag.

From the Playbook:

Good call, Randy. I’ll let you be Scooby — animal costumes always get more candy. Right now I’m stuck in my car because I activated the child-lock somehow. According to the dashboard clock it’s 1998. If you’re still in the lot can you get over here with a Slim Jim? You’d think there’d be a button somewhere that says here’s how you open the damn door, but I guess that’s too much to ask from a Chevrolet Impala.

 

I think my phone might have got disconnected

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From: The RealRandyMoss81:

Coach,

Did you try to call just now? I thought I heard it ringing but when I picked up it was all dial tone. I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with this phone. You ain’t answered my texts either, so must be something wrong with the cell phone too. Did you get that Whitman’s Sampler I left on your car? I know you hate the fruit ones so I swapped that shit out for nougat. I be waiting in the parking lot like always, in case you need a freak to stretch the field and split that Buffalo defense. Got my gym bag packed just in case. Like I said I’ll take the league minimum as long as it’s…

Straight cash, Homey

Moss

From the Playbook:

If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.

Girlfriend in a Coma

Imgres

From PatsFanDoug:

Dear Coach,


I can’t believe it’s really you. I’ve always wondered what kind of advice you give your players and I guess now is my chance to find out because i really need your advice. My girlfriend doesn’t like it rough but I guess I do because all of a sudden she is giving me the silent treatment. I did hear from her lawyer though. In fact I am writing this from jail. I don’t know if you’ve ever been through something like this before but the site says ask anything so I’m asking.

From the Playbook:

I’ll tell you what I tell my players: the horseplay must be consensual. Consensual horseplay is what happens when you’re a first ballot Hall-of-Famer pulling down 98 passes for 1,493 yards, you drink one too many Courvoisiers during your bye week, and you play Twister with a groupie. Barroom assault is what happens when you’re too ugly to get dates even after quarterbacking the Pittsburgh Steelers to two Super Bowl victories. Either way, chances are you will still end up in the playoffs. Then there’s what happens when you’re a disgraced former first-round pick who likes to pick up the tab by shoving your MasterCard down a waitress’s brassiere. When it’s like that, I like to take a wait and see approach. If you clean up your act and turn out to be the sleeping giant you say you are, and you remember to let Tom Brady pay the bill unless you’re at a Hooters, I’ll support you 100 percent and start you in the playoffs. If anything else, I’ll trade you for a third-round draft pick and wish you the very best in your new career with the Oakland Raiders.