Stats are for losers, the final score is for winners

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From: Pats fan in San Diego

Coach,

I’m a Newton guy living in San Diego. Someone gave my kid a Darren Sproles jersey last season, and I let him wear it when they played the 49ers on his birthday. A moment of weakness. That ended okay when Sproles left, but what should I do now? My wife has even started wearing powder blues! It’s bad, coach. 

I should have taken out Philip Rivers when I saw him at the gas station this summer but he had 4 kids in his minivan. 

From the Playbook:

First off let me say that I have a lot of respect for the San Diego Chargers. They’re well-owned, well-coached, and well-conditioned. They can stack the weights, lift the weights, bench-press the weights and restore the weights to their original position. They also stand out in the equipment game. They’re very well-stocked with jerseys, helmets, fleecewear — you name it, they’ve got it. It’s tough for us to compete in the equipment game. It’s no secret that powder blue is a flattering color. Looking good in navy blue is a little tougher: Vince Wilfork is actually a very fit guy, but in our uniform he could trick-or-treat as Philip Rivers’ minivan. The first thing I’d do is pour a liter of Stetson on your family’s Chargers gear. The stuff attracts sheep but repels people, so if your son has a small build you’ll want to steer clear of the petting zoos. If this doesn’t work, you need to ask your son how he defines success. Is it a trash-talking Christian who advocates chastity but has six kids? A guy who racks up big passer ratings but can’t get past the playoffs? Or is it a guy with three Super Bowl rings and two sons by two different supermodels? It’s a tough call. If he’s still on the fence, you could let him stay up to watch Bill Belichick: A Football Life, premiering tonight at 9PM EST on the NFL Network. Then you can compare it to all the documentaries out there about Norv Turner. 

 

Man Uggs

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From Ellie and Hazel Flufer:

Hi Coach,

Great game last night! You guys chopped the tails right off of those Dolphins. Great job!

Sorry, we didn’t mean to offend anyone in regards to the Dolphin comment. We love Dolphins.

We just wanted to comment on Brady’s performance last night. He looked awesome! But we do have one concern, now that Brady is going to be wearing Man Uggs on and off the field, how do you think that will affect his passing game?

We love you Bill!

The Flufers

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From the Playbook:

The short answer to your question is that if Brady is going to throw 517 yards a game he can wear lederhosen and a Shriner fez to meetings for all I care. The long answer is that Tom is very competitive in everything that he does, and that includes goatholding. Tom is the US leader in goatholding for three years running, and now he’s trying to up his stats in the heavily contested sheep-wearing arena. He’s very serious about it. He even wears a fleece jock. His uniform is 100% wool. He’s a very cozy guy to be around — You saw the Dolphins’ Cameron Wake trying to cuddle him last night. Even the Stetson deal is related: the cologne makes sheep want to be around him, and before they know it he’s wearing them as mittens. So if Tom Brady asks you to go to an apple orchard or a pumpkin patch or Scotland or anywhere else where there might be a lot of sheep in close proximity, be sure to bring your lint brush and some nose plugs: that Stetson is the reason I’m always congested at post-game press conferences.