No one puts Brady in a corner.

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You don’t step on Superman’s Uggs.

Bill:

Saw the game Sunday, and I thought I’d send an internets mail to let you know I’m still in the business of punching offensive coordinators who get out of line. Call me up on my walkin around phone if you need me.

Buddy

PS I’m the guy who yelled to Rex that you’re a damn sight better than he is.

From the Playbook:

That means a lot coming from you, Buddy, Gilbride had it coming for that moronic play call you clocked him for. If you’d swung a little harder maybe the whole league wouldn’t be running the Chuck & Duck offense right now. Anyway, Bill O’Brien was right to call Tom on that interception but if you’ve ever seen how Brian Hoyer plays you’ll understand why I had to step in when I did.

Give Rivers a call.

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From: Rob@GronkNation

Coach!

I went for the easy score and now it hurts to pee.  What should I do?  RG

From the Playbook:

Jesus, Gronkowski. You probably deserve to get the clap on your bye week for that bonehead stunt. If you’re going to get goofy with a hooker, just leave the jersey at home, alright? Tom Brady doesn’t get photographed with his shirt off for any less than $100,000 a minute. What did you get, other than VD and a couple friends on Tweeter? Seriously, how many of your brothers do I have to hire to keep you in line?


 

What is the Being of beings?

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Philosophers go through a lot of paper

From ProfessorGreg@Harvard.edu:

Coach: In the introduction to his influential Being and Time, Martin Heidegger wrote, “What is more enigmatic: that beings are, or that Being is? Or does even this reflection fail to bring us close to that enigma which has occurred with the Being of Beings?” The language of Heidegger — and hermeneutical philosophy in general — strikes me as very similar to the logic applied in your press conferences. Are you now or have you ever been a student of hermeneutics? If not, what is your philosophical inspiration for statements like “It is what it is”?

From the Playbook:

I thought Hermeneutics was the title of Herm Edwards’ autobiography. But from what I’ve heard about Heidegger, his press conferences would last a lot longer than mine. For him, it wouldn’t cut it just to say it is what it is: he’d say that it is what it is only if it is a being that is conscious of its Being. So if the It is Ed Reed or Tom Brady, it is what it is; if the It is Adalius Thomas or Tony Romo, it might not actually exist at all.    

Bad Hair Month ahead for Buffalo fan

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From BFLOSteve:

Coach —

I have a bet with my NE pals that the Bills will stamped your team and finally end their 15 game losing streak to the Patriots.  If this does not happen I will have to shave I LOVE BRADY and I LOVE UGGS on my head…which is fine 50%…since I actually do like UGGS but not BRADY.  Hey  — it gets cold up here.  So I guess this isn’t really a question but more of a general comment…so you remember…when your team somehow loses a game they think they are going to easily win.

Ha.

Steve Earl

From the Playbook:

Hey Steve — I’ll be the first to admit that we have our hands full with Buffalo. They can throw the ball, they can run the ball, they can kick the ball down the field and carry it around in a purposeful way. Their quarterback went to Harvard, so they obviously know their way around the SATs. Chan Gailey has done a good job with that program. That said you need to be prepared for what’s going to happen if this doesn’t go your way. Shawne Merriman has shaved a lot of stupid stuff onto his skull, but even he doesn’t have the head room for I LOVE BRADY and I LOVE UGGS. So when you’re sitting there on the wrong side of a 38-7 game, watching my players do the Lights-Out Dance on your insignia, you’ll want to have a hooded sweatshirt handy. They’re great for storing snacks, hiding blemishes, warming up on the sidelines, you name it. When you get home, look into getting a deerstalker hat. It’s the closest thing to wearing an Ugg on your head.

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From @chadochocinco:

Coach,

Now that I’ve doubled my production on the field, I’m looking ahead to my first TD celebration. How can I express myself without getting Bruschi on my case?

In my playbook,

Chad

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From the Playbook:

You should get excited after you make a play, but not so excited that you hide sombreros in the endzone. If you roll the tape you’ll see that we encourage players to express themselves after putting points on the board. As long as you choose one of the following approved victory celebrations you should be fine:

Handing the ball to the official

The gentleman’s handshake, as seen above

High-fiving Pat Patriot mascot

Pointing at Derrick Mason, then at the scoreboard

Saluting Minutemen on sidelines

The Gillette Leap, demonstrated here

Dancing on opposing team’s insignia, preferably if LaDainian Tomlinson is on the opposing team

 

 

Stats are for losers, the final score is for winners

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From: Pats fan in San Diego

Coach,

I’m a Newton guy living in San Diego. Someone gave my kid a Darren Sproles jersey last season, and I let him wear it when they played the 49ers on his birthday. A moment of weakness. That ended okay when Sproles left, but what should I do now? My wife has even started wearing powder blues! It’s bad, coach. 

I should have taken out Philip Rivers when I saw him at the gas station this summer but he had 4 kids in his minivan. 

From the Playbook:

First off let me say that I have a lot of respect for the San Diego Chargers. They’re well-owned, well-coached, and well-conditioned. They can stack the weights, lift the weights, bench-press the weights and restore the weights to their original position. They also stand out in the equipment game. They’re very well-stocked with jerseys, helmets, fleecewear — you name it, they’ve got it. It’s tough for us to compete in the equipment game. It’s no secret that powder blue is a flattering color. Looking good in navy blue is a little tougher: Vince Wilfork is actually a very fit guy, but in our uniform he could trick-or-treat as Philip Rivers’ minivan. The first thing I’d do is pour a liter of Stetson on your family’s Chargers gear. The stuff attracts sheep but repels people, so if your son has a small build you’ll want to steer clear of the petting zoos. If this doesn’t work, you need to ask your son how he defines success. Is it a trash-talking Christian who advocates chastity but has six kids? A guy who racks up big passer ratings but can’t get past the playoffs? Or is it a guy with three Super Bowl rings and two sons by two different supermodels? It’s a tough call. If he’s still on the fence, you could let him stay up to watch Bill Belichick: A Football Life, premiering tonight at 9PM EST on the NFL Network. Then you can compare it to all the documentaries out there about Norv Turner. 

 

Man Uggs

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From Ellie and Hazel Flufer:

Hi Coach,

Great game last night! You guys chopped the tails right off of those Dolphins. Great job!

Sorry, we didn’t mean to offend anyone in regards to the Dolphin comment. We love Dolphins.

We just wanted to comment on Brady’s performance last night. He looked awesome! But we do have one concern, now that Brady is going to be wearing Man Uggs on and off the field, how do you think that will affect his passing game?

We love you Bill!

The Flufers

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From the Playbook:

The short answer to your question is that if Brady is going to throw 517 yards a game he can wear lederhosen and a Shriner fez to meetings for all I care. The long answer is that Tom is very competitive in everything that he does, and that includes goatholding. Tom is the US leader in goatholding for three years running, and now he’s trying to up his stats in the heavily contested sheep-wearing arena. He’s very serious about it. He even wears a fleece jock. His uniform is 100% wool. He’s a very cozy guy to be around — You saw the Dolphins’ Cameron Wake trying to cuddle him last night. Even the Stetson deal is related: the cologne makes sheep want to be around him, and before they know it he’s wearing them as mittens. So if Tom Brady asks you to go to an apple orchard or a pumpkin patch or Scotland or anywhere else where there might be a lot of sheep in close proximity, be sure to bring your lint brush and some nose plugs: that Stetson is the reason I’m always congested at post-game press conferences. 

Girlfriend in a Coma

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From PatsFanDoug:

Dear Coach,


I can’t believe it’s really you. I’ve always wondered what kind of advice you give your players and I guess now is my chance to find out because i really need your advice. My girlfriend doesn’t like it rough but I guess I do because all of a sudden she is giving me the silent treatment. I did hear from her lawyer though. In fact I am writing this from jail. I don’t know if you’ve ever been through something like this before but the site says ask anything so I’m asking.

From the Playbook:

I’ll tell you what I tell my players: the horseplay must be consensual. Consensual horseplay is what happens when you’re a first ballot Hall-of-Famer pulling down 98 passes for 1,493 yards, you drink one too many Courvoisiers during your bye week, and you play Twister with a groupie. Barroom assault is what happens when you’re too ugly to get dates even after quarterbacking the Pittsburgh Steelers to two Super Bowl victories. Either way, chances are you will still end up in the playoffs. Then there’s what happens when you’re a disgraced former first-round pick who likes to pick up the tab by shoving your MasterCard down a waitress’s brassiere. When it’s like that, I like to take a wait and see approach. If you clean up your act and turn out to be the sleeping giant you say you are, and you remember to let Tom Brady pay the bill unless you’re at a Hooters, I’ll support you 100 percent and start you in the playoffs. If anything else, I’ll trade you for a third-round draft pick and wish you the very best in your new career with the Oakland Raiders.